I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
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Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
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I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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