my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
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Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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