I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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