a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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