I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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