I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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