I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
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She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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