I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How external is "for external use only"?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize