so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
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All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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