He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
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Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
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Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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