Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
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She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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