I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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