The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
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quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
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They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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