just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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