she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
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Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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