just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize