the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
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Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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