i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
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I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
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Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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