it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
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I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
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I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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