we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
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Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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