you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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