I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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