just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
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It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
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BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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