rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
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I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
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We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
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