i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
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When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
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I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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