Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
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Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
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Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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