I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
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I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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