just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
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