She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
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You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
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Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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