well I can't set my house on fire every night
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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