i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize