also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize