do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
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He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
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You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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