well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
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this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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