I cut my penus on the lid.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
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my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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