i think my tv is drunk
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
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She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
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You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize