Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
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He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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