there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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