Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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