The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
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I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
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I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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