my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
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I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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