I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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