it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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