How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
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Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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