Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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