Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
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I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
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I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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