She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
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How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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