You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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