There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
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I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
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I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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