did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
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Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
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Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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